Dear God,

I realize that I am young and that young pain hurts the most livid, the most excruciating. I know that the gashes we receive at this precious age bleed the worst. I also understand that I am only twenty and that agony at this point might force me to think as if the world’s about to end, that everything in my life is crashing down on me. That I am bleeding under the rubble and that You can’t hear me.

But it is absolutely not like that.

I am young and young pain hurts the longest. I am young and young let-downs disappoint the worst. There are moments, these days, when I feel like crying and screaming behind doors while the party goes on. There are seconds when everything is blurred before my eyes and voices are muffled. There are times when hopeful words from friends and warm hugs from parents don’t help at all. It is as if the pain has shut my system down. And I can’t find the button.

But it won’t stay like that forever.

Last night I cried and held my pillow tightly, I thought of how terribly hurt I am, of how miserable I feel. I thought of ruining my future, I thought of putting a seal on whatever beautiful plans I have. I almost thought of the noose. But then I thought of the potential You have given me. I thought of how shameful a waste I would be if I ended myself.

I wiped my tears and combed my hair. I talked to a beautiful friend of mine in the middle of the night. Her voice was warm and I thanked her so much for the lovely words, the laughter, the bright hope she handed me in those short minutes. I took a deep breath and sorted out the mess in my head. I sat down and thought.

I have hope. I have strength. I will get through this pain. This loss won’t remain like this forever. I have so much potential, it’s almost amazing. My conviction and realistic optimism brought me through so many hurdles, so many obstacles. The wounds that seem eternally-painful right now will turn into golden beauty marks when I grow older. I will remember this time as a trivial ordeal. I haven’t lost anything. How?

I’ll tell you how.

My core was not removed. It was only bruised. I, from my very own heart, will heal this wound. The anodyne will come from me. From my very own core. I was only derailed. And yes, it hurts to be lost, to be void of the very direction one requires to move forward with, to function with. It hurts to be betrayed, to be punished for sins you never thought of doing. It hurts, yes. But there are rewards for every undeserved lash you receive. There are blessings for every painful moment you quietly suffer. There are happy endings eventually.

And remember: There is always, always, always hope.

The battle that I fight right now is a battle many people have fought, are fighting and will fight. I share this loneliness and sadness with a million other people. The nature of this strife may not be identical to yours or yours or yours. But the pain could be the same. However, remember, I’ll get through. You’ll get through. It takes time, patience and endurance.

I will fight and I will win. I know that for sure. I have to be patient. I know that I stayed away from all of you. That I ignored your calls. Didn’t read your letters and emails replete with concern and loving worry. Refused to open the door when mama kept knocking. Avoided Alina, my best friend, for days. Stopped reading your blogs. Christina, I owe you a big bear hug; your work gave me hope too. I really apologize for staying away.  But I’m back now.

Someone said, Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. I know dawn will come one day.

I realize this battle will go on for a while. But I have God. And He listens to me. I have seen miracles take place before my eyes. And I know for a fact that He’ll work one for me.

I can do this. And I want to thank every one of you who showed concern and care in their own ways. Every one of you has gained a special place in my heart.

I have hope. I have strength. And I know You will help me, God.

I will pull myself out of this downward spiral.

This, too, shall pass.

Till then.

Keep me blessed.

Love,

Mehreen.

Nothing cheers me better than a classic Disney song. I’m gone, I’m solid gone. Zap dop dop doppi, zap zap zoobie zaabie, get mad baby!

Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.
There is always hope, she says.
Always, always, always hope.

Why?
Where is my core?
Where is the essential chunk of it?
I need you to tell me.
Everything’s falling apart.
I have several minutes left.
I wish you all the best.

I love black and white photography. Here are some of my favorites:

Mornin’, babe.
You know what I really want?
Coffee beans, furry slippers and a nice big blanket.
I want to sit here on the deck
And watch God break an egg,
Leaving the yolk up in the sky.
I want the warmth and peace of this morning
To fill every inch of my body.
So that it radiates from within me.
Finding its home within you.

I dream.

When the west end of the sky eats the Sun for supper, I will always try to make sense of it all. The dandelions are kissing one another and so are a thousand tragedies before they set on their journey towards my little home. I lock the door with a glass key that breaks in my hand and adorns blood lines across my palm. And when my guests arrive, I offer them tea and tales of comical misfortune.

They laugh.

I almost wish we were butterflies and lived but three summer days.

Three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.

- John Keats

Breathe in me hope. I want to reach out to the sky and snatch every star from the hands of God. And when you’re asleep, I want to rest your head on my lap and watch you dream of the impossible. Forgive me when I don’t make sense and forgive me when I storm out of the room. There are moments I have no control over. There are movements I cannot restrict.

Breathe in me compassion. I want to pull the thorns out of your feet and let you walk, for once, in complete peace. And when you’re busy with the world, I want to stand right beside you wishing you the best of what life has to offer. Forgive me when I hold back the best in me and forgive me when I expose you to the worst. There are emotions I cannot contain. There are words I fail to say.

Breathe in me power. I want to heal you and what eats you from within. So that you may smile for me one winter night. And when you’re fighting back demons and faces and feelings, I want to hold you close and tell you it’s alright. I want the power to make things right. Forgive me when I fail to protect you and forgive me when I abandon you at the most crucial time. There are inadequacies in me I have to fix. There are loopholes I need to fill.

Breathe in me love. I want to be happy with me and with you. So that my bliss comes from within my core and reaches out to yours. And when you’re tired and hopeless, I want you to look at me and know that things will change, that life has so much to offer, to look forward to. Forgive me for what my past made me and forgive me for ruining my present. There are bitter things to get over. There is a future to make the best of.

Breathe in me now.

Funny little furball.

I’ve never been a ‘cat person’ but a few days ago, this little kitten happened to just come by. She seemed really fun to play with. She was fun to ’shoot’, too. I wish my camera didn’t break last month. Mobile cameras aren’t as fun as the real ones are. I plan to buy a Nikon D90 (or something else) for myself. Life without photography is just plain dull.

By the way: Happy Halloween, y’all!