I Don’t Know – I Just Like Ramzan:

Disclaimer: I apologize for being absent for such a long time. I bought a pet crocodile and it ate my hands off. And also any remaining energy to write sensibly. On anything of significant value.

Cadocc Claddell the Curt Crocodile

Let’s get back on track with the first thing on my mind: Ramzan.

It’s around the corner. Instead of doing the obligatory explanation of what Ramzan means to Muslims, I’ve decided to take a sarcastic tone on the whole topic. As a Muslim, I’ve seen and experienced hilarious and often hypocritical behavior during the month by people around me and, in some cases, by my very own self. It’s often amusing when you get to witness an alteration in social etiquette and interaction simply because one month has massive precedence over the eleven others according to a faith. I enjoy that as a believer and, in that time, I find the funniest people who I fancy doodling later on. (Secretly.) (Because I don’t want to get killed.) (Humor can be fatal.) (These brackets are nice.)

So I decided to ask people what they love about Ramzan the most and here’s what I received as input. Feel free to share your funny anecdotes in the comments section.

Soaring Market Prices:

This lady loves it all. So does the man next to her, crippling under the collapsing economy while offering her her daily groceries. Bless them.

"Here, ma'am. Your groceries and an invisible burden of worries concerning your budget. Have a lovely day."

 Is Your Moon the Same as the One in My Damn Backyard?

Because that will determine the day I get to celebrate Eid, dude.

All I ever wanted was to celebrate Eid on the same day, man.

Convenient Reasoning for Asinine Behavior:

Use your religious ritual as an excuse to annoy other people. It works!

This stuff isn't legit.

 Religious Education via TV VS Religious Education via Self Exploring:

Believe me, you won’t find God on TV. I tried. It doesn’t work. You will, however, find maniacs ready to kill anyone who disagrees.

Time Well Spent (Swearing Others Off):

Hey, if you’re whispering-backbiting about how utterly pathetic he/she is, you’re still backbiting. Thought I’d let you know.

Subtracting your points now.

 Psychopaths on Pause:

Dangerous. Very dangerous. Run while you can.

Your Boss Doesn’t Care:

You can stop using your fast as an excuse now.

Fasting? Lovely. Now staple those files.

Redundant Diet is Redundant:

This isn’t a bad trait per se. It’s just annoying.

Eve Teasing:

I’m glad you think she’s pretty but you can stop staring now. Also for the next eleven months. Thank you. No, really. Thank you.

So there you go. Don’t do these pestering acts this month, okay? Trust me, you have plenty of time to be a pain in the rear end once Ramzan’s over.

Oh, one thing you shouldn’t do (that often well-to-do Muslims end up saying anyway) is abruptly and loudly invite someone to accept Islam as the way of life. It’s not exactly the best way to change someone’s faith. Like, for instance, one time a friend of mine invited her atheist friend over for iftaari (breaking fast) and her friend really, really enjoyed the damn samosa my friend’s mother made. Something like this happened:

Calm down.

Don’t do that. Islam doesn’t work like that. You could do this though:

Alhumdullilah, dude.

That’s really cool and really Islamic. 100% halal. Or you could win someone’s heart by practicing your faith in subtle, harmless fashion. I do that. It feels nice like marshmallows.

This Ramzan, make sure you don’t do double acts on the whole deal. He’s watching anyway so you might as well say what you mean and mean what you say the halal way.

Don't be this guy.

Happy Ramzan, everyone!

P.S. Now you can comment from your very Facebook account. How rad is that? Almost as rad as not pissing someone off this Ramzan. Exponentially rad.

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107 thoughts on “I Don’t Know – I Just Like Ramzan:

  1. Thanks for writing this. The impending advent of Ramzan was making me wonder how fast people will violate standards before they can even lower them.

    And whether this Ramzan will be like all other Ramzan’s before it.
    Now at least when someone asks why I have a littl trepidation about this month, I have a doodlicious URL to hand them.

    Jazakallah Mehreen and God Bless.

  2. Hahah. Loved the bit about the moon and the asinine behavior though the samosa hogged all the spotlight. Another aspect about Ramzan is all the rash driving around iftari time- gotta break the fast on time in order to score full points you know? I’ve even seen some people who try to justify smoking while fasting ;P

    1. As to smoking, my local mullah tells me I cant break a fast by smoking since it doesn’t exactly count as eating or drinking something. And to my question as to why, then, can’t I smoke while fasting going by the same logic, he had no answer ;)

  3. This is EPIC xD
    and it’s not just about perv guys, I know alot of people (girls+guys), who after aftari think the rooza is finish, meet and make out…hahahahah
    anyways thumbs, keep writing because we are here to Read =D

    1. As long as they don’t act like hypocrites, I’m fine with it. Don’t play the higher moral ground, is what I’m saying. I also love corn candy. There is no corn candy in Pakistan.

  4. Heh, this is uber funny ! All the weight we’re planning to lose eventually adds up with excessively oily things we gobble up in aftaar. Great read, your blog. Keep them coming :P

  5. Hahahahhahaha & LOOOOOOL! :-P

    Well spoken (and doodled) Mehreen! Very funny, sadly true and a good reminder for all of us, ma’sha’allah.

    An early Ramadan Mubarak to you and all of Pakistan from Amreeka!

    (Good to have a new post – and yes, these brackets are quite nice, eh?)

    Br. Anees

  6. Haha this is a great post. The doodles make it even better, do you make the doodles your self? A few points left but still you covered almost everything and they are all true !

  7. I want corn candy too…time to lay on the emotional blackmail in a couple of emails….you forgot the pepsi 5 rupay kam phenomenon, I mean those sms have got to be a high light no?

  8. “Fasting? Lovely. Now staple those files.”
    hahahah .. that kind of indifference (which the rozaydaar may perceive as a lack of compassion) is sooo pervasive .. especially if one works in to non-muslim majority country.
    all in all i got a nice laugh reading ur post this morning mehreen
    job done well!

  9. Yaar, kya baat hai. May you have as much corn candy as your heart desires without upsetting your digestion. I don’t even know what corn candy is but I love how with Ramzan as an excuse it doesn’t matter. Have a good one.

  10. Ah the moon sighting wars – they’re becoming so so typical of Ramadhan/Eid, its reached a point of hilarity =|
    Awesome post as always! Very tongue in cheek. :P

  11. We have your corn candy. Bring $100,000 in powdered rhino horn to Kalma Chowk at 4 in the am. Call yourself Shahzad. Wear much rouge.
    Tell no one.

      1. You took too long. We ate your corn candy. It was quick. It was painless. It was sweet.
        We wish to score some more. Bring unmarked disposable batteries worth $60,000 to the corner of Bank Alfalah and China Chowk. If this does not exist, build it. Also bring corn candy in industrial quantities. We will find something to trade.

        Do you like steering wheels?

      2. I like you, Slumdog Tennaire. I like you but I have something to tell you.

        I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my corn candy go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

      3. Good lucj*

        *Albanian for ‘Good luck’.

        PS Your wife? I’d hitj that.

      4. We are legion. We are anonymous*. We have steering wheels**.

        *which makes cooperating a bitch.
        **speaking of * … could you bring a power saw? Or a steering wheel. We’ll just give you cash***.
        *** ANONYMOUS cash.

      5. I’m just sitting here, reading the prefix you put to the -aire part of your name, son. I’ve been sitting here I’ve been sittin’ here, trying to find myself, I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself, looking for the payback, listen for the playback. They say that every man bleeds just like me and I feel like number one but yet i’m last in line. I watch my younger son and it helps to pass the time. I take to many pills. It helps to ease the pain. I made a couple dollar bills but still I feel the same. Everybody knows my name. Yeah.

        Don’t google this.

      6. I like you, Samantha. I like you a lot.

        That entry you gave in the email slot reminds me of unpleasant things. SUCH AS YOUR FACE. Kidding. Not. Don’t hate me – yet.

      7. Lookut, here, we’ve been dancing around this, but I got something to say: I swear to God, if I even feel somebody behind me there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep.

        PS Bawitdaba.

      8. Bring it, qurl. Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy. I ain’t scared. I ain’t scared no mo. My head really hurts.

        P.S. Where’d the -aire go? Iwantitbacknoworelseimbustingyourbrainsaire.

      9. Fourscore and some odd years ago (wtf do I look like, a calendar?) some dudes brought forth on this Earth a sweet confection, composed of lust and sugar, and dedicated it to the ruination of many a great soul.
        Today, I stand before you as a man ruined by my predilection for this confection. I stand here, now, as a creature of sin, brought low like that sweet chariot, brought low, I say, by the juicy, tender sweetness of corn motherloving candy.
        That, and bitch stood me up.

      10. Here, take the password of this blog and run it from now on for I have been blown by the level of unconquerable win present, or perhaps rampant, in your mellifluous dialogue. Where do you come from, Bruvalina Blaahd? Are you a boisterous figment of my imagination? Are you someone who is, in all probability, no one? Go on, take that mask off and hand me some corn on the cob. Bitches got nothing on me.

        I really like Leeroy Jenkins. I kind of wish my commentary was as cool as yours is. I suppose I have lost this battle of witty win. Cast me aside and throw me away, etc etc.

      11. Aw, shucks. Y’all can just think of me as Lex Luthor in a dress.

      12. Now is the winter of our discontent
        Made glorious summer by this Candy Corn;
        And all the stains that show’d upon my blouse
        In the deep emotion of the moment, o’erlooked.
        Now are our tongues touch’d with flavours true;
        Our bruised appetites sated with this confit of the gods.
        O Candy Corn, Candy Corn,
        Wherefore art thou, Candy Corn?
        Oh, no, Candy, not you, and put some clothes on.
        I was just looking for some sweets.

      13. I think I love you. Or maybe it was the sonnet. Here’s a song I’ll dedicate to the rather fine memory of you. One of the creepiest ever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZMHJX4b9bU

        I’m learning how to tap dance. It’s worth a try. I’ll never get the candy I need. No one cares. I might as well die, etc etc. THAT DID INDEED RHYME, BRUV. Tap dance my way into a classroom, tap dance my way out. Tap dance my way into a bathroom, tap dance my way out. I really wish my sister would stop singing that damn song. It’s scaring the lights out of me. I really don’t like it anymore. Where do you get these -aire ideas from? Why aren’t we friends yet? I don’t know. I’m just confused. Obligatory sup nod here.

      14. I am reliably informed that this is what the Good Lord intended when He created Awesome:

      15. We have the candy. You know we have it. We know you know we have it. You know we know you know we have it. And so on…oh, we shall miss this. You know we shall miss this. We know you know…
        Dammit.
        Know this, though: We can kill you whenever we damn well please. But not today.
        JK Rowling is your master now. This will be our last communication. Goombye.
        PS if you have a message for us – bring a steering wheel and tie it to the base of the century-old banyan tree at MiniGolf’s southwest corner. If this does not exist, plant 1x banyan tree and wait 1 century. Chant in Middle English, and sacrifice 1x tube of suncream. We will return your call.

      16. “Slow down”, she whispered, her face covered in tears. “Slow down, dammit, please.”
        But I could not. I could not. I was 8 again, watching my deadbeat dad drink away the millions he’d won on some stupid gameshow, 9 again, and watching him get into his car and drive away, looking for something I couldn’t recall. Looking, and never finding.
        “Candy”, I murmured, and she turned her eyes from the landscape zipping by at 100 mph. “What?!”, she screamed, and I almost missed the hitch in her voice as she fought to control her panic.
        “We got to get some motherlovin’ corn candy, girl.” I looked right into her baffled, hypnotised gaze, and the grin slowly spreading across my face must have gathered her wits and focused them into a laser beam of pure terror.
        “We got to get some corn candy right up in this shit.”
        The night was yet young.

      17. would you like to collaborate on a post? I haven’t written in aeons, but I’d like to co-author something. That way, when everyone blames you for how bad it is I’ll get time to get to de choppa.

      18. WordPress deleted my damn comment. It had “choppa” in it. Summary: you, me, mob, choppa, co-write.
        Oh, and thank, you.

      19. I guess I was saying that I’d like to co-write something if that’s cool, and was thanking you for liking my dabs at scribbling.
        cheers,
        Slumdog Millionaire, Esq.
        oh, and the choppa: get to it.

      20. Hahahahah. I think you’re the first visitor I’ve taken a great liking to. I’d love to do a joint-post with you if it’s possible. Send me your email address and we’ll get to it. Also, props to you for being smart enough to get to de choppa. Love that song, by the by.

      21. its the address attached to this comment.
        pseudonym, of course: who I am is a matter of secrecy. they seek him here, they seek him there…

  12. lmao….. thankyou for bringing witty laughter to my life, a pakistani overworked mom, with a typical pakistani husband… my braincells seem to be coming back to life as i read ur blog.. lol

  13. Don’t forget the chicks that put on hijab with their bangs on display, and strut around saying they’re ‘pious-er’ than we are.
    You have a talent. I am a fan.

  14. I like the way you have explained the hypocrisy without mocking the Islamic principals, I have seen people mocking Islam and the way people try to incorporate Islam in their daily lives.

    Loved the post, as always! <3

  15. You’re back. DO YOU REMEMBER ME? No, I’m guessing you don’t. This Ramazan is meaner than previous Ramazans. A normal qeemay-wala samosa costs Rs. 11. :( I can’t even afford 2 samosas now. But at least, Pepsi’s cheaper.

    Nice post. :)

    1. Welcome back (to the both of us)! Where were you! Exclamation marks make everything sound so jolly good! Forced meditation is not a very pleasant idea, in my opinion! I have hives all over me thanks to a bug bite! I do not like inflation. :<

  16. I loved every line and every doodle of yours Mehreen. Thanks for laying it out so nicely.. I hope it makes people think! Specially the “trying to find god on TV” and “forcing religion onto others”, “backbiting, everteasing” all of it. Much needed! BTW, is it MS paint that you use for doodling or something else? Photoshop on my mac sucks :s makes my hands ache.

    1. Thanks for the nice words, Forbidden Phal. I don’t use Photoshop. (I don’t know how to. I’m a dimwit in this case.) I use MS Paint, an ordinary mouse or the pad on the laptop. Sometimes I use Curve Draw for an arty touch which never is arty. I suck at this. Sometimes I use random software online. The pad’s ruined by now and my dad won’t buy me a tablet because he thinks it’s an elitist act. His moustache is nice.

  17. That miniconversation up in the comments was so interesting. I was upset when it ended. It also caused me to completely forget what I was going to say about your post :/

    I guess I was going to say it’s awesome and I love your doodles, etc. etc. As usual :P

  18. Hahah, I too love most of the things about Ramazan you do. Especially the moon sighting, iftaar and the self-education on the religion. I even attended a workshop on meaning of the Quran this year. So lucky, you actually get fewer perv stares in your country! #Win advantage

  19. Hahahahahaha!! Excellent stuff! My husband gives the whole ‘month to leave bad habits’ argument. He is wrong. I told him, “You are wrong.” But it didn’t get through, Allah jaanay kyoon? Maybe I should put on rainbow glasses next time before telling him.

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